I’d like to say that I spent the final two weeks of my absence from TIE O’ THE DAY in Ireland, wearing my fave pair of shorts, dangling my fluorescent white legs over the edge of the Cliffs of Moher—hypnotized by the ocean below while I pondered the meaning of life. I’d also like to say my new truck that I ordered in November was finally delivered and I went on a wild two-week road trip to break it in. And I’d like to say that I wrote the awesome, bestselling novel Suzanne thinks lurks somewhere inside my brain, just pushing to be born into the literary world. But, alas, I cannot truthfully say I spent the last days of my absence doing any of these things. So what exactly did I do with the final two weeks of my time offline? The answer is “not much.”
For the first four weeks, I didn’t check TIE O’ THE DAY. I didn’t check any of my social media platforms. By the time I finally—and briefly—checked in with my online footprint, I was overwhelmed to discover countless messages, comments, and emails that had piled up while I wasn’t online. In fact, I had over 1,000 real emails to answer—as opposed to ads and scams and junk and other varied bullsh*# emails. I panicked about how I would ever be able to catch up and respond to all the correspondence. I still haven’t caught up. If you contacted me or commented in some way while I was “missing,” and I haven’t yet responded, please trust that I will reply as soon as I can. Know that I thank you for the concern and kindness y’all always so graciously show me
Here are a few of the not-very-high highlights of those last two weeks:
1. I did watch the wind-down episodes of THIS IS US. I freely and obnoxiously will tell you right now that I think the series should have ended with the train episode. I was never a fanatic about the show, but it usually kept my interest over the years—which was a good thing because Suzanne was an avid fan. I liked the idea of THIS IS US, but I ended up finding the side characters so much more interesting than the Big Three themselves. Suzanne will tell you that—one by one—throughout the six-year series, I soured on each one of them. I was done with Kevin in Season 2, I think. I was done with Randall around season 4. And I was over Kate in Season 5. It was the same trait in each character—expressed differently in their individual characters—that annoyed me to my top nerve. Call it “ego.” Call it “self-centeredness.” Call it “narcissism.” Call it what you will—they were full of it. Gradually, during the run of the series, I had bellowed—more than once—at each one of the Big Three, “Get over damn yourself!” Oh, and about the Katoby split: that storyline was a bonehead plot joke—completely out of character for both halves of Katoby. Okay, that’s enough. I’ll let THIS IS US rest in peace now.
2. While grocery shopping one day, I noticed that the people who make Skittles finally dumped the “new” green apple-flavored Skittle, and returned to the original lime-flavored green Skittle. I bought a semi-bigly bag o’ Skittles to celebrate the over-due retro change, and I then spent an entire afternoon nuking tiny batches of Skittles in the microwave. Oh, the yumfest I tasted! (Here’s my Nuked Skittles recipe: In a small bowl, nuke no more than 8-10 Skittles at a time, for no more than 10 seconds. Eat them while they’re hot. The insides of the candy will be molten, so be careful not to burn your tongue.) 🍋 (Pretend the lemon emoji is a lime.)
3. With time on my hands, I theorized a discovery all by myself. I needed neither scientific theory nor conspiracy theory to affirm what I believe to be the fact-ness of this discovery. I calculated it in my own nose’s imagination, and I swear I will make it my mission to create it in its fullness whenever possible. I theorize that the Best. Smell. Ever. is a serendipitous confluence of these three smells: the smell of freshly cut grass, plus the smell (petrichor) of a long-awaited rain, plus the scent of bacon cooking. If ever these three odors converge, you will experience the Best. Smell. Ever. I further theorize that it will come to be known as the smell of Plato’s triad of ideals: Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. ⛳️ 🌧 🥓
FYI You can see I’ve been playing around with my t-shirt bow-tie magnets again. Here, my magnet is holding a part from Suzanne’s sewing machine to create this Bow Tie o’ the Day. I believe the part is called a presser foot and/or a stitch foot, but I wouldn’t bet on it. It makes a swell bow tie, whatever it is. It is gadgety and suave at the same time.