I Wonder As I Wander

Saturday, I wandered aimlessly around LOWE’S in my Sloggers and Bow Tie o’ the Day, while Suzanne was on the search for, as she tried to tell me, “Blah blah blah… crown molding… blah blah blah… a wood shelf… blah blah blah… above the kitchen sink… blah blah blah… to display the salt-and-pepper shakers collection.” Suzanne had a purpose. I did not. Quite happily for both of us, I might add.

I am not a household project kind of gal. I’ve fixed my share of toilet tank hardware, and I’ve cleaned the snow off the DIRECTV dish. Other than those two things, pretty much anything else around the house that goes wrong really doesn’t matter to me. I can merrily live in ruins, as long as I can pee and watch tv. Besides, Suzanne can fix it. I don’t know why I’m not handy, but I’m not. I didn’t get the handy gene. Suzanne is handy though. I’m not even handy enough to be a helper.

I’ve written about this before, but it’s worth repeating: It’s good that Suzanne can do house projects on her own. Every few years, we try to do a house project together, which is why every few years we both end up calling divorce attorneys. OK, we don’t really make the phone calls, we just think about it. OK, we don’t really think about calling– we just joke about thinking about calling. We work well together on most things, but we can’t “build” together. We can’t “assemble.” Suzanne can only work in “boss” mode, and she thinks I should be able to read her mind about what she wants me to do next. I have no clue if there even is a next. It doesn’t mean we have a problem. It means we are wise enough to know our limitations. Now that I think about it though… I’m probably all the limitations. Suzanne can do anything.

At LOWE’S, I followed Suzanne to the crown molding section, and after a while I ambled off as I usually do. When I’m in a home improvement store, I somehow find myself in the DEWALT tools section for a while. DEWALT ‘s labeling and design uses black and yellow colors. Those colors remind me of Dad, aka, St. Ron of the Bees. And then I eventually end up by the orange cones o’ danger, thinking about the Coneheads on SNL back in the olden days– as well as how it would probably be wise for me to buy a few cones o’ danger to surround myself with if I get angry. How else will people know to keep their distance when I’ve got a ‘tude? Here’s a clue how you readers can tell if I’m angry: My first name will be spelled with two L’s, as in HELLen. If you see my name spelled with two L’s, do not make eye contact. Back away slowly from your screen.

I’m always amazed that when you go to LOWE’S for a particular item, you will likely walk out of the store with something completely different, for a completely different project. So what did we walk out of LOWE’S with? We walked out, not with crown molding, but with a bigly bag o’ paver sand and a full-coverage set of TYVEK safety coveralls. It was probably a successful home improvement store shopping trip, but I’m not even handy enough to know if it was, or not.