Helen’s bigly Holiday Tie Tally: 209 Neckties. 93 Bow Ties. (In a few upcoming photos you will see me and Skitter in more holiday ties. They were snapped over the holidays, but I have already included the neckwear in this final tally.)
Helen’s Holiday Face Mask Tally: 9. (I didn’t make much of an investment in Christmas face masks, cuz I hope we won’t be needing them next X-mas season.)
Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 25 Neckties. 1 Bow Tie.
Here’s the rest of what I utilized to bring y’all TIE O’ THE DAY’s jolly neckwear o’ 2020: 2 leg lamps. 3 Charlie Brown Christmas trees. 1 Old Man bobblehead. 1 Ralphie bobblehead. 5 festive jackets. 4 X-mas-themed, button-down shirts. 1 lighted antler headband. 1 Santa hat. 1 Bah Humbug hat. 1 Santa baseball cap. 1 lighted turkey hat. 1 pair of Grinch pajama bottoms. 3 pairs of obnoxious X-mas leggings. 1 ugly sweater. 3 “ugly sweater”-style, long-sleeved t-shirts. 1 gingerbread person t-shirt. 1 redneck elf t-shirt. 1, 3-D turkey necktie. 1 bow tie body thong. 1 red-nosed reindeer body thong. 1 blow-up Santa beard. AND most importantly, 2 milkweed pod, Nativity scene Christmas tree ornaments made by my grandma, Momo, at least 50 years ago.
Honestly, I am pre-occupied with more than my holiday Ties/Bow Ties o’ the Day today. It’s our 7th legal anniversary tomorrow, and—for the first time—we won’t be going out on the town for a high-falutin’ celebration. It will be a low-falutin’ pandemic anniversary, and I am busy putting together what I hope will be a memorable menu and floorshow for the occasion. Wish me luck, y’all.❣️
Helen’s Holiday Tie Tally: 171 Neckties. 70 Bow Ties.
In the 70’s, we playfully—and trendily—called each other “turkey.” If you called someone a “jive turkey,” that meant you were calling them on their bullsh#%. My new, lighted turkey hat has made me hark back fondly to my kidhood’s carefree “turkey” days. And it also reminds me I need to start planning the menu for the upcoming pandemic Christmas feast for me and Suzanne. How can I top Thanksgiving’s spread? I shall make it my mission to find a way.
I should probably mention that I like hats, in case you couldn’t tell. Wearing the perfect hat is an important part of starring in the circus we call life. As much as I don’t want to admit it, ties cannot carry the entire burden of making a person be their self-est self. (Don’t quote me on that if you ever visit the occupants of my Tie Room.) Hats help the hip be cool, and they help the un-hip remain disguised.
I am wearing a trifecta o’ Bow Ties o’ the Day this morning. One is red-white-and-green plaid. One is black-red-and-gray plaid, dotted with white snowflakes. The third is row upon row of ribbon-topped red-blue-and-green wrapped Christmas presents.
I’m sure Skitter has learned it from me. She likes to mix her holidays into a Mulligan Stew of celebration. Here she is, wearing her McDonald’s French fries Halloween costume and a Christmas tree Tie o’ the Day. You might have noticed that many of Skitter’s X-mas ties have been made with their print patterns upside down. I suppose that is the reason I was able to procure her a bulk batch of thirty or so doggie neckties for the enormous cost of $9.95 on amazon.
In the second photo, you can see Skitter later fell asleep on her bed on the couch last night, surrounded by two of her blankets and covered in 9 of my jolly Bow Ties o’ the Evening. I guess, sometimes bow ties feel warmer than fleece blankets. At least, according to Skitter.
This post is sponsored by the colors red and green, and by the word “oh.” I wore this holiday Face Mask o’ the Day a few days ago, and I counted it in my Holiday Face Mask Tally. I decided I could count it as a different mask if I wore it upside-down—making the “HO”‘s into “OH”‘s. And who among us doesn’t say, “OH, OH, OH” here, there, and everywhere throughout the Christmas season? I say “OH” a lot during the jolly season—especially when I see nighttime light displays of exceptional beauty and/or masterful gaudiness.
Just Skitter this morning, adding to her Holiday Tie Tally with her upside-down penguin Tie o’ the Day. So far this season, she’s worn a total of 12 different festive neckties. I am wearing no ties this morning because I’m going back to bed. I had a restless night, for no reason whatsoever. Must catch up on my beauty sleep.
Check out my flannel Face Mask o’ the Day. It is toasty. Bow Ties o’ the Day are decked in Christmas trees and Christmas icons. Ties o’ the Day present holiday characters taking selfies. Here’s my advice for anyone who takes a lot of selfies (myself included): Never let your selfie-taking get in the way of you actually experiencing your adventures. If taking the selfie gets to be more important to you than being a participant in the moment you are experiencing, you are not even living a life. Step back, and just notice your surroundings. Look at the people who are around you. Put down the phone, and step into the frame of your own existence. Somebody else will take a picture—or maybe they won’t. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if you have photographic proof. You’re alive. Act like it.
I meant to post on Thanksgiving Day, but the fooding surprise strategy I chose was biglier than I originally planned. Even though I was feeding only myself and Suzanne for the feast, I had decided to make T-giving dinner last the whole day. Every few hours, I made and served one component of the meal. Our first menu item was—of course—Mom’s famous cheese bread, which we ate with greasy paws until all that was left of it was the foil upon which it had been baked. About three hours later, I waddled over to the crockpot to dish up the T-giving bird, which was not turkey. Instead of roasting the traditional fowl, I marinated and slow-cooked each of us a Cornish game hen. The hens certainly look like Munchkin turkeys. They are so tiny that it takes a long time to eat the meat off the teensy bones. But the birds were yummy. And do you know what? They tasted like chicken! Even Skitter said so.
A couple of hours later, it was time to pillage some stuffing. And in a few hours more, it was time for candied yams. Soon, it was 7:00 PM—time for the Zoom gathering with all the families in Suzanne’s family. It was fab to see everyone, and I thought it was a fun way to handle our little Thanksgiving-during-a-pandemic. I hope we only have to do it once, though. (A friend’s father died from COVID-19 the day before Thanksgiving, which reinforced our decision to stay home and not get together with our loved ones in person. Too many people close to us here have the virus and are so sick right now. #wearthedangmask)
I planned to cook more dishes Thursday evening, but we were too full, so I pledged to cook the rest of our T-giving meal components on Friday, which I did. We began Friday by finishing the stuffing and yam leftovers. We began anew later, with some salty turkey bacon. After a few hours, I broke out a round of pickled beets. And later still, I served up tater tots in lieu of traditional mashed potatoes. We crowned our all-day Friday Thanksgiving dinner with a pumpkin pie stand-in of Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake flavor Red Button ice cream, as well as Red Button’s Cranberry White Chocolate flavor ice cream. No, I did not make green jello or funeral potatoes. Seriously, I don’t know how I ever thought I could cram the cornucopia o’ meal courses into just one official Thanksgiving day.
We still haven’t been hungry enough to open the cranberry sauce yet. We’ll get to that soon, I’m sure, cuz it just ain’t the feast holidays until you hear the suck of the jellied cranberry blob being expelled from the can.
My holiday Tie o’ the Day displays green forks galore. When I bought it, I immediately designated it to be a Thanksgiving celebration tie. I think I really do eat more on T-giving than any other day of the year. For the last couple of years, we have gotten farctated (look it up) at Bambara’s T-giving brunch in SLC, but we’re forgoing that this year—due to everybody’s lurking pandemic, COVID-19. Instead, I’m cooking a surprise dinner for me and Suzanne. I already alerted her that I’m cooking the meal. The surprise part of dinner will be what I’m cooking. She knows me, so she knows I will likely cook up a non-traditional menu sprinkled with metaphors. Skitter might get steak. And after we are stuffed beyond our gills tomorrow, we will be doing a Zoom get-together with all the families in Suzanne’s family.
I had a swell pre-Thanksgiving talk with Mom on the phone today, and I told her I was especially thankful to her for putting up with me for nearly six decades now. She told me she was the real pain everyone has to put up with, but she also said she is thankful she is not in pain. “I’m not in pain, but I am a pain,” is exactly what she said. I told her I will miss her Thanksgiving spread, but mostly I will miss her dashing in and out of her kitchen to make sure everyone got enough of each dish, while we all tell her to sit down and eat. I will forever miss Dad saying the same thing to Mom almost every year, as he looked out over the entire family, “Helen, did we create this herd?” Yes, Dad, you fell in love with each other, and the begatting began.
