Category: Bow Ties

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Gangsta Wrap

Bow Tie o’ the Day displays Billy Bob Thornton from BAD SANTA. Santa-hatted kitty Tie o’ the Day harks from the movie too. Santa and Rudolph are listening to some rap tunes and getting their boogie on. On the other side of our Tie o’ the Day showcase, we’ve got snowflakes, candy canes, and candy cane-colored stripes. Finally, straight down the middle, is our reminder Tie o’ the Day from the Gangsta Wrappin’ Rudolph to get those gifts wrapped ASAP. Time is running out to set out the haul securely under the tree. (Make sure you see the gold $-sign bling on Gangsta Wrapper Rudolph’s neck. FYI I get a thrill out of tiny details.)

Folks, if you’re partaking of alcoholic beverages while celebrating tonight, please use a designated driver on your travels. Don’t forget your mittens and your masks, people. Be safe in your merriness! 🎄

FYI I’ll be posting a quick TIE O’ THE DAY message at midnight tonight, so if you’re awake and want to see more holiday ties before morning, give it a look-see.

Holiday Tie Tally: 182 Neckties. 71 Bow Ties.

#hohoho #bejollywhileyouwearthedangmask

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More Dog Days O’ Christmas Ties

Honestly, I am pre-occupied with more than my holiday Ties/Bow Ties o’ the Day today. It’s our 7th legal anniversary tomorrow, and—for the first time—we won’t be going out on the town for a high-falutin’ celebration. It will be a low-falutin’ pandemic anniversary, and I am busy putting together what I hope will be a memorable menu and floorshow for the occasion. Wish me luck, y’all.❣️

Helen’s Holiday Tie Tally: 171 Neckties. 70 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 20 Neckties.

#amaskadaykeepsthenovelcoronavirusaway #wearthedangmask #washyourdanghands #yourdangmaskisyourtickettotalktomeinperson #skitterwouldwearadangmaskifshewereapeople #wearingamaskisthenewsexy #theattackothechristmasties #merryanniversarytous

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My Grandma’s Award-winning Ornaments

Here’s a 1-Bow Tie, 5-Tie o’ the Day salute to my dad’s mom, who we’ve always affectionately referred to as Momo. (The Santa-hatted Scottie dog bow tie is one of my all-time faves.) I have continually been in awe of Momo’s unending crafty creativity. She could make anything out of anything.

Here are what I believe to be her two most famous Christmas tree ornaments: milkweed pod renditions of the Nativity scene. The two white critters at the foot of the three-pod ornament are lambs. I particularly like the golden deer/dog at the bottom of the one-pod ornament. (You should see the dog she included in her diorama version of the Garden of Eden!) I do not know exactly when Momo created these ornaments, but I remember them hanging on her Christmas tree annually, in even my earliest memories—so they are at least 50 years old. They are so fragile that I rarely bring them out for public viewing. I cannot dust them for fear the glue that holds everything in its place will break. Occasionally, I find that a component of an ornament has fallen out of its pod place. I do my best to re-glue it to its authentic spot.

Anyhoo…Last week, Suzanne came home from work and said, “We’re having an office contest for Most Interesting Christmas Tree Ornament on our tree. Can I take those ornaments Momo made?” Momo made many X-mas tree ornaments, but few still exist. Of course, I knew precisely which ornaments she meant, and I knew their whereabouts. Despite the fact that I rarely say NO to Suzanne, I seriously ruminated over her request for hours before coming to a decision. Suzanne was allowed to take them to her office only after I issued a Special Dispensation, and made her sign a lengthy contract in which she promised to guard them with her life, as if she was a member of the Secret Service and they were POTUS. Guess which ornaments won the competition, hands-down? I knew they would be victorious in any ornament contest. Why? Because Momo made them. GAME OVER.

Holiday Tie Tally: 148 Neckties. 67 Bow Ties.

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CHRISTMAS VACATION Is A Gut-bustin’ Flick

I wore this holiday face mask a few weeks ago, so it has already been counted in my tally. But I can add the electrifying Clark Griswold Tie o’ the Day and the two CHRISTMAS VACATION-themed Bow Ties o’ the Day to my tally. My “ugly Christmas vest” gives me the best of both shirt-worlds: I get to wear an obnoxious Christmas vest which is really just a long-sleeved t-shirt. I can get my gleeful, gaudy fashion out there for all of you to see, while safely wearing a comfortable t-shirt atrocity I personally don’t have to injure my eyes looking at.

CHRISTMAS VACATION is one of my go-to X-mas movies, as it likely is one of your faves. I owned it on VHS. I owned it on DVD. I now own it in my iCloud. I used to watch it from time to time throughout the year, whenever I felt the urge. I have since decided to reserve it for watching only around Christmas, and only once per the season. A single yearly viewing makes it an annual no-calorie treat. (I do the same with A CHRISTMAS STORY.) I have memorized every line of the movie, so I can run a scene in my head any time I might need a quick guffaw to keep my funny bone in knee-slappin’ shape. Hey, I am fully aware that a lot of y’all also have the movie memorized. It is a modern-day classic, for sure. However, I beg of y’all, please don’t leave the older, classic Christmas films off your holiday viewing list. If you don’t already have some black-and-white X-mas movies set to play, add a few. You won’t regret it. Your kids and grandkids might wonder what’s wrong with you, but they’ll thank you later.

Holiday Tie Tally: 143 Neckties. 66 Bow Ties.

#mymaskcansaveyou #yourmaskcansaveme

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It Is Not A Dashboard Camera, But It Might As Well Be

It’s that time of year when stores of all ilks are getting way too people-y for my enjoyment. I generally like human beings, but I prefer them when they are not in crowds—particularly in the midst of a pandemic.

I always do my shopping early, but I inevitably think of things at the last minute, as well. This morning I realized Suzanne was down to one bottle of wine and zero bottles of Bailey’s, and I can assure you that is just not a sufficient supply to keep her jolly over her Christmas break and into the first days of the New Year. I had to get to the liquor store ASAP. Every hour longer I put it off, I will have to wait in a biglier line of more and more people. So off I drove in my Pontiac sleigh to the Bountiful liquor store, where I filled a small basket with a few bottles of Suzanne-pleasing libations. Triumphantly, I survived the throngs of spirited shoppers-for-spirits. I can cross that errand off my list.

But when I got in my car, what to my wondering eyes did appear? That dang Elf on the Bowtie on the Dashboard. I’m not stoopid. I knew why it showed up. Heck, we all know why it was there, don’t we? I swore off ye olde alcoholic drinks years ago. I spent twenty minutes in my parked car explaining to the Elf on the Bow Tie on the Dashboard that the potations I had purchased in the liquor store were not intended for my gullet. They were strictly for Suzanne and any masked, thirsty guests who might show up at our house during the holidays. I begged him to keep my name off the “naughty” list. The Elf on the Bow Tie on the Dashboard looked at me with a lifted eyebrow of suspicion. And then he abruptly winked at me and said, in a dastardly elf voice, “I know it’s not for you. I just wanted to give you a scare.” I breathed a very loud sigh o’ relief. But the whole drive home, I kept repeating to myself, “Man, I picked the wrong lifetime to quit drinking.”😜🍸

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Somebody Has To Be One

I will always honor the bright strain of redneck that runs deep in my soul. I nurture that part of me. Have I put a tattered couch out on my front porch? Yes, more than once. Have I had an old mattress on my front porch? Yup, also more than once. The neighborhood dogs, cats, goats, and roosters love to jump and nap on my beat-up furniture. The way I see it, animals have a right to have “patio” furniture too—at least until you decide it’s time to load the old furniture bones off the porch and into the rusty truck bed, to drive it to the dump for a fond farewell. That makes perfect sense to me. Trust me—between all the folks and animals hanging around my place, I have always gotten more than my money’s worth out of the furniture I’ve owned. That’s part of the redneck home furnishing ethic.

Someone I met at a fancy party in Baltimore in the early-90’s once said to me, condescendingly, “For being a redneck from nowhere, you seem amazingly well educated.” I wanted to say in return, “For being an Ivy League-educated snooty boy, you sure seem like more of a stereotypical redneck than most rednecks I know.” But I didn’t say that to him. You see, I was raised to be a polite redneck who loves her neighbor instead of judging them by what they put on their porch, or by the population of their hometown. “Gee, thanks,” is all I said to the patronizing gentleman before I moved on to more interesting partygoers with open minds.

Sometimes now, I wish I could remember that guy’s name so I could contact him. I want to inform him—politely—that not only did I come from that “redneck nowhere” called Delta, UT, but Chrissy Teigen was born there too. He most certainly wouldn’t remember me by now, but he’d be impressed with the rednecks o’ Delta, if he knew Chrissy Teigen was born one there. I know I’m more impressed.

Holiday Tie Tally: 134 Neckties. 64 Bow Ties.

#wearthedangmaskbutpullitupbeforeyouspityourchew #realredneckswearthedangmasks

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I Am A Christmas Turkey

In the 70’s, we playfully—and trendily—called each other “turkey.” If you called someone a “jive turkey,” that meant you were calling them on their bullsh#%. My new, lighted turkey hat has made me hark back fondly to my kidhood’s carefree “turkey” days. And it also reminds me I need to start planning the menu for the upcoming pandemic Christmas feast for me and Suzanne. How can I top Thanksgiving’s spread? I shall make it my mission to find a way.

I should probably mention that I like hats, in case you couldn’t tell. Wearing the perfect hat is an important part of starring in the circus we call life. As much as I don’t want to admit it, ties cannot carry the entire burden of making a person be their self-est self. (Don’t quote me on that if you ever visit the occupants of my Tie Room.) Hats help the hip be cool, and they help the un-hip remain disguised.

I am wearing a trifecta o’ Bow Ties o’ the Day this morning. One is red-white-and-green plaid. One is black-red-and-gray plaid, dotted with white snowflakes. The third is row upon row of ribbon-topped red-blue-and-green wrapped Christmas presents.

Shop on, folks!

Holiday Tie Tally: 134 Neckties. 59 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 16 Neckties.

#wearthedangmask #actlikeyougiveadarn #lighttheneighborhood

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Swimming In Snow. Not.

I mix-matched my old-timey striped swimming suits for this post photo, to add more red-and-green Christmas effect. It was kinda cold in the house though, so I added my Halloween stockings—for equal parts warmth and garish clash. Note that I make the obligatory dive pose in one of the pix. It’s required to do that if you are wearing a swimming suit in a dry-land snapshot. My five Ties o’ the Day and the one Bow Tie o’ the Day have a bubbly drinking theme. Even Face Mask o’ the Day has a sandy Santa ready to imbibe some boat drinks while going over his list. Two of the ties are almost alike, but I can still count them both in my tie tally because one has a blinking red nose. Thus, they are lightyears (pun intended) different.

People, my swimming suit and I are in dire need of a beach right now! Every time I drag it out, I secretly hope someone will take pity on me and buy me a ticket to warm sand and surf.

Holiday Tie Tally: 134 Neckties. 56 Bow Ties.

Holiday Face Mask Tally: 8.

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One Purse Is More Than Enough

Y’all probably know I’ve only ever owned one purse, and I didn’t own it until two years ago when I found the Saddle Purse calling to me from a shelf in an airport shop. I rarely use it—except when we go out on the town, and we haven’t really done that since the pandemic started almost a year ago. I guess I should have known the Saddle Purse would start to feel neglected.

It usually sits in the loft underneath my writing desk, but this morning it greeted me from our dining table downstairs. I approached it slowly, since it doesn’t usually travel throughout the house by itself. I noticed a Hanukkah Bow Tie o’ the Day atop it. I noticed the neckband of a brass band Bow Tie o’ the Day dribbling out from inside. I felt comfortable enough to open the Saddle Purse, and —SURPRISE!—out popped ten more Bow Ties o’ the Day. I felt kinda bad to think the Saddle Purse felt like it had to fill itself with neckwear in order to get my attention. But I guess it did. I’ll do better about paying attention to ALL of my stewardships.

And there’s more! When I opened up the Saddle Purse’s teeny saddlebag, I discovered my purse knows me so well. To feel useful, a saddlebag needs to hold something. Nestled in the saddlebag was a pepperminty Bow Tie o’ the Day lapel pin.

Holiday Tie Tally: 129 Neckties. 55 Bow Ties. And a lapel pin on a pear tree—er, in a saddlebag.