Witty & Wise Ties, Trivia & Lies
Here’s my excuse for not writing an afternoon post to accompany this flighty Tie o’ the Day: I had snapped the photo and was composing a lovely post for it when Suzanne came home from work early to begin her Spring break. I had to close up the laptop and pay attention to her immediately, so she knows she’s home and free to relax. Believe it, or not. But it’s the dog’s honest truth. 🐕 📄 💻
[This morning, I stored the Wintry Cape away until next year’s chilly season returns. When I sat down to write a post, this COVID-19 post showed up as a Facebook memory. Hey, I can take a hint from the cosmos: y’all are meant to see this post again.]
While we’re on the subject of wearing masks to help protect ourselves and others from COVID-19…
Suzanne makes me fantastic capes, and I’m discovering that they are not just beautastical to gaze at. My glitter-fied Wintry Cape—and all my other Suzanne-made capes—can perform a public service, by acting as a protective mask for my face and most of my body. Wood Bow Tie o’ the Day’s magnetized hardware sufficiently hangs on for the ride. I’m all set. Until my next post.
When one has a virtual visit with one’s long-time pain doctor, and one is trying to look upbeat when one is—in all actuality—in a great deal of pain and, therefore, in a grumpy mood, but one really likes one’s pain doc and doesn’t want to make one’s pain doc feel like a complete failure in her work with one, and so one wants to disguise to said pain doctor the routinely excruciating pain one will most likely always feel in one’s pancreas and back, one wears a bright, sequin-covered Bow Tie o’ the Day and a bacon-and-eggs Shirt o’ the Day in front of the laptop camera. With that kind of bow tie, no one in the virtual appointment can be sad. 🤡 At least, that’s what I would do: I would pretend. 😑
Skitter is a pro Tie o’ the Day wearer, just like me. She sometimes can’t get to sleep without surrounding herself with every tie she owns. I am jealous of her. If I were to attempt to sleep under my bigly tie collection, the weight would not only suffocate me, but it would flatten me out like a pancake in the process. That is why I encourage Skitter to be moderate in accruing her personal collection. That’s right: I preach moderation in all things to her, while I, on the other hand, busy my days creating an extreme, cash-draining, space-occupying, and possibly dangerous necktie and bow tie collection of my own. I’m all about excess. 🛌 🎀 👔
Having so many pieces o’ neckwear in my bigly collection comes in handy. I can find something helpful to wear around my neck for practically any occasion. This afternoon’s Bow Tie o’ the Day is a shopping list: I’m making salsa for when Lent is over. Peppers are required, and if I’m wearing this “hot” Bow Tie o’ the Day, there’s no way I’ll forget to pick up the peppers. Salsa itself is healthy enough, but there’s no such thing as eating only salsa and nothing else. Ya gotta have unhealthy chips! Nobody ever says, “Come over and watch the BYU football game with us. We’re having salsa-and-salsa.” It’s true that I am already stockpiling non-nutritious “fake food” of all manner in the pantry: sweets, chips, crackers—for when Lent is finally over, and I can once again forage the junky food to my heart’s content. Of course, a tub (or four) of ice cream is patiently waiting for me in the freezer. I touch it for strength every day. From Day 1 of Lent, I’ve felt the sincere need to celebrate my junky food habits at the very first post-Lent chance I get. 🍦 🍪 🍿 🍫
While I was stocking up on the household staples of hearing aid batteries and tuna and fancy waters, I struck gold with this treasure: a bigly Peeps-bedecked head bow tie. Although I have more bow than existent hairs, this Bow Tie o’ the Day gem comes in handy for me today. This is the kind of day where I pretend to be a gifted handygal around the house. On my honey-do list for the day are tasks like climb a warped wooden ladder to change light bulbs; stand on furniture to put clean filters in the house vents; go through storage bins in the garage, to see what I can sneak to D.I. without Suzanne noticing; etc. I will also be putting together a new book organizer—known to commoners as a bookshelf. For jobs like these, a necktie will surely get in the way, to the point of becoming dangerous. There’s no need to worry about strangling myself as my tie gets caught on household machinery I might have to reach around to make adjustments. And a bow tie can poke me or fall off into dark crevices as I contort myself into the handygal poses I’ll have to make to successfully complete my current list o’ tasks. These headband Peeps are lifesavers. (LifeSavers. Sounds sweet. I officially hate Lent.)
Oil rigs Tie o’ the Day shows you my field o’ gushers. This tie cost me much more than a gallon of gas does currently. For some reason, owning this tie makes me at least feel like gas prices are not as ridiculous as they really are right now. Indeed, this tie makes me feel like I’m wearing my back-up plan in the event of even higher gas prices: I’ll just sell the tie to some oil dude who finds it clever. I think Tie o’ the Day’s theme gives the illusion I’m rich. And I am, in fact, filthy rich with a nearly infinite number of neckties and bow ties—prime for barter. 👔 👒
This is what happens when a wayward Tie o’ the Day decides a floor lamp makes a great stripper pole. 😱 😲 🙀