Bow Tie o’ the Day and I went on a bit of a boring, pre-weekend erranding escapade today, which had nothing to do with shopping for new clothing. But as I erranded—from far across a crowded discount store—I spied out of the corner of my eye, this lonely SpongeBob SquarePants shirt on a clearance rack. You know I had to have it. More specifically, I had to have the embroidered SpongeBob Squarepants with his signature red Tie o’ the Day. Ah, the unmitigated exuberance of running across psychedelic striped attire I can’t possibly ever actually need! I feel like I’m wearing Lucky Charms marshmallows. I so win bigly!
Yesterday was finally my bigly lithotripsy procedure at the University of Utah Hospital. Technically, the procedure is called Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lithotripsy (ESWL). The word “lithotripsy” is derived from Greek words meaning “breaking stones.” (Insert joke here.) Yup, a machine called a lithotriptor pinpoints the offending calcification/stone, then zaps high energy shock waves at it to blow it to smithereens tiny enough to pass through your system and be eliminated by your body. Thank the heavens I was sedated while the pulverizing occurred. I didn’t feel a thing at the time, but I sure do now. The left side of my upper torso feels like someone beat the HELLen out of me. And it looks like it too. My ribs appear battered, bruised, and swollen. I tried to take a snapshot of the gore to post, but I couldn’t keep my left breasticle out of the picture. I decided it was best to not post that on TIE O’ THE DAY.
Anyhoo…The lithotripsy procedure itself went well, but I won’t know if the stone in my Cranky Hanky Panky was sufficiently pulverized until I go back to undergo yet another scope-down-the-gullet procedure (another ERCP). I wish I had something more definitive to tell you about whether yesterday was successful or not, but I don’t. Welcome to My So-Called Pancreatic Life.
However, I consider my day at the hospital a screaming success for two reasons—neither of which really has anything to do with my Cranky Hanky Panky. The first triumph is that, just by being ourselves, Suzanne and I made professional healthcare workers guffaw, chuckle, and snicker for about 5 hours. We didn’t mean to be entertaining. We were just entertaining ourselves in our usual banter about whatever crossed our minds, and doctors and nurses happened to overhear us. A good time was had by all, as the saying goes. At one point, one of my anesthesiologists stepped back into my room and said, “I love to hear you both laughing in here. Your conversations are so strange. That stuff about the yellow, fungal toenails was something I never even thought about.” I guess he had heard me when for some reason I said to Suzanne, “If I ever get a thick, crumbly, yellow, fungal toenail, just grab the pliers and yank it out.” Suzanne and I are highly educated gals. We think deeply. Sometimes, Suzanne and I speak about profound philosophical complexities. Apparently, we were sometimes Shakespearean stinkards, engaged in coarse—but relatively clean—conversation at the hospital yesterday.
But my ultimate triumph yesterday was the pickin’ out o’ the perfectly appropriate Tie o’ the Day. For weeks, I had been asking myself what clever neckwear I should wear to experience this new-to-me thing called lithotripsy. I was stymied. And then, when I was in The Tie Room the night before the procedure, a tie caught my eye and my wit: my cartoon “BAM, BOOM, WOW, HEY” lightning bolts and stars print kids’ tie. BAM and BOOM was exactly what the lithotriptor machine did to my torso. Tie o’ the Day was so lithotripsy-y. 👔
Before the procedure.After the procedure.You can never make “kindness” disappear completely.I was feeling it.I was proud to know I owned an appropriate Tie o’ the Day for lithotripsy. It’s a real stone smasher.The ball-and-chain. My better half.
I spent yesterday at the University of Utah Hospital having a lithotripsy procedure directed at the pancreatic boulder my panky seems to have gone out of its way to grow. I’m moving gingerly this morning. Stay tuned for this afternoon’s Cranky Hanky Panky update, in which I regale you with details of my latest medical adventure.
FYI Excuse my fish-belly-white legs, but note that my socks reveal I am honest when I say I never go anywhere without books.🤓
So Suzanne said, “I need to return some shoes to Nordstrom Rack. Wanna go with me?” I said, “Heck, yeah!” All the errand required was going to the RETURN desk, handing over the shoes, then getting a refund. That’s it. That’s all. And you know exactly how it ended. The mission was accomplished. We were headed to the door, when Suzanne asked, “Is it okay if I look around at a few things?” To be fair, if she hadn’t said it, I would have. Fast forward to an hour later, and I’m leaving the check-out counter with a full shopping bag—newly empty wallet in hand—wondering how an errand that began as a $50 refund ended up costing $400. Refunds are pricey. 😜
I am so tired this morning. I won’t lie: I will be taking a long morning nap. I walked the floors last night, in what I can only describe as my own slapstick episode of the Keystone Cops. I blame my tinnitus. I blame a phone app. And I blame Suzanne. I blame everything and everyone except me.
Here’s what happened: I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow, so my night of rest started out just as it should have. I woke up a couple of hours later to the sound of water running. I got out of bed and walked through all the rooms on the second floor, pressing my ear to the walls, listening for running water. I could hear it everywhere and nowhere. I figured it was just my tinnitus acting up extra loudly, so I went back to bed. But the sound soon woke me up again. I investigated further and discovered the sprinklers were on outside, so that must be the culprit I was hearing. Back to bed again, I went. I wasn’t asleep for very long when the sound of water running seemed to get even louder. I looked out the windows—front and back—and saw that the sprinklers were off. I cursed my tinnitus, but I still wasn’t completely convinced I there wasn’t water running somewhere in the house. There was something not quite tinnitus-y about what I was hearing. I went downstairs to listen to all the walls I had not listened to yet. I was coming up with no answers. Finally, I crept back upstairs to try to ignore the water-water-everywhere-that-wasn’t-really-there, so I could get some shut-eye. It was 4:30 AM. The stoopid tinnitus in my head was real. The sound of water running was real, too, I tell you! I flew out of bed yet again, more determined than ever to locate the watery culprit that was causing me to lose sleep. I got down on my hands and knees while I listened to the bedroom floor. If the sound wasn’t in the walls, it had to be in the floor. And that’s when I heard the sound I was able to follow to the source. I slithered my way around the side of the bed to Suzanne’s bedside steamer trunk, upon which was her phone. Apparently, she’d had difficulty falling asleep and had decided to use her relaxation app to play water sounds to help her drift off to sleep. If I had only known! I can sleep to water sounds, if I know they are not doing water damage. It was the worry, not the sounds themselves, which had me on edge. Must. Sleep. Now.
This showed up on my Wayback Machine Photo Feed today. Here’s our baby-man Rowan, wearing a formal Bow Tie o’ the Day for his prom, in May of 2015. I cannot believe he will be 24 in August. I guarantee you that as well as Rowan filled out the tux-and-bow-tie at his prom back in the day of these photos, he would fill it out even better as the manly man he is now. He has definitely grown. I taught him how to sport neckwear, at least.
Yup, I’m at Farmington Health Center again—for what will be my 4th COVID-19 test. The lithotripsy procedure I’ve been waiting for is scheduled for Monday, and to get into the hospital to undergo it, I must once again prove I do not have COVID-19. Hey, I’ve had my shots. I am not worried I have it. Regarding my test, Suzanne said to me this morning as she left for work, “Be positive, test negative!” She thinks she’s so clever. And she is.
My shaman Bow Tie o’ the Day is a nod to my spiritual bent. I am neither superstitious, nor a casualty of blind faith. I do, however, feel vibes of deeper threads always at work in the world around me. I play around with kismet, coincidences, connections, lucky streaks, and signs—fully aware that I am playing with, and creating, the very meaning that I crave. It’s an attitude that works for me. I can vouch for it for you, too.
