It’s that time of year when stores of all ilks are getting way too people-y for my enjoyment. I generally like human beings, but I prefer them when they are not in crowds—particularly in the midst of a pandemic.
I always do my shopping early, but I inevitably think of things at the last minute, as well. This morning I realized Suzanne was down to one bottle of wine and zero bottles of Bailey’s, and I can assure you that is just not a sufficient supply to keep her jolly over her Christmas break and into the first days of the New Year. I had to get to the liquor store ASAP. Every hour longer I put it off, I will have to wait in a biglier line of more and more people. So off I drove in my Pontiac sleigh to the Bountiful liquor store, where I filled a small basket with a few bottles of Suzanne-pleasing libations. Triumphantly, I survived the throngs of spirited shoppers-for-spirits. I can cross that errand off my list.
But when I got in my car, what to my wondering eyes did appear? That dang Elf on the Bowtie on the Dashboard. I’m not stoopid. I knew why it showed up. Heck, we all know why it was there, don’t we? I swore off ye olde alcoholic drinks years ago. I spent twenty minutes in my parked car explaining to the Elf on the Bow Tie on the Dashboard that the potations I had purchased in the liquor store were not intended for my gullet. They were strictly for Suzanne and any masked, thirsty guests who might show up at our house during the holidays. I begged him to keep my name off the “naughty” list. The Elf on the Bow Tie on the Dashboard looked at me with a lifted eyebrow of suspicion. And then he abruptly winked at me and said, in a dastardly elf voice, “I know it’s not for you. I just wanted to give you a scare.” I breathed a very loud sigh o’ relief. But the whole drive home, I kept repeating to myself, “Man, I picked the wrong lifetime to quit drinking.”😜🍸
