Month: November 2020

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All I Want For Christmas

Bow Tie o’ the Day is a jolly red and green plaid diamond point. Meanwhile, back at the Tie Ranch in the Tie Room, I found these four Ties o’ the Day to represent four things I want for Christmas, but I know I have zero chance of receiving. First, I know I’m not getting a trip to anywhere with palm trees for X-mas this year. I won’t be wearing any of my Hawaiian shirts. I will have to content myself with mere memories of my feet in sand and surf from vacations o’ the past. Maybe next year.

I also will not be attending any bigly parties where the guests are plenty and the music is louder than any ear should be subject to hearing. Maybe in a few months.

Also, the cats-in-Santa-hats Tie reminds Skitter and me that we aren’t going to receive a kitty—ever. Suzanne has let us know that she is forever done with litter boxes and dustings of cat fur in the house. Suzanne can barely deal with evidence a dog lives with us. When we had three dogs at one time, years ago, I thought Suzanne would have to go into therapy in order to deal with her dogs-in-the-house problem. Fortunately, she survived that herd. She knows I will probably always have a dog around, but one dog is about as far as Suzanne can bend without her skull imploding. She liked having cats until 15 years ago, when she suddenly didn’t like it anymore. She’s now declared herself to be done with felines for the rest of her life, which means I have to be done forever with felines in the house too—which means Skitter will never know the wondrous irritations and annoyances of having a kitty sibling.

Lastly, motorcycle Tie reminds me I will not be receiving a motorcycle for Christmas. Suzanne is adamant that I am not to be riding such a machine. She didn’t mind that I had a motorcycle in the 80’s when we met, but as we get older, she is more and more concerned that I don’t take risks I don’t have to. She is petrified that I might die before she does, so I try to be safe. Maybe I won’t buy her a material object for Christmas. I’ll just tell her I’m giving her the gift of not pestering her for a motorcycle anymore.

Holiday Tie Tally: 81 Neckties. 16 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 10 Neckties.

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Our Dandy Pandemic Thanksgiving

I meant to post on Thanksgiving Day, but the fooding surprise strategy I chose was biglier than I originally planned. Even though I was feeding only myself and Suzanne for the feast, I had decided to make T-giving dinner last the whole day. Every few hours, I made and served one component of the meal. Our first menu item was—of course—Mom’s famous cheese bread, which we ate with greasy paws until all that was left of it was the foil upon which it had been baked. About three hours later, I waddled over to the crockpot to dish up the T-giving bird, which was not turkey. Instead of roasting the traditional fowl, I marinated and slow-cooked each of us a Cornish game hen. The hens certainly look like Munchkin turkeys. They are so tiny that it takes a long time to eat the meat off the teensy bones. But the birds were yummy. And do you know what? They tasted like chicken! Even Skitter said so.

A couple of hours later, it was time to pillage some stuffing. And in a few hours more, it was time for candied yams. Soon, it was 7:00 PM—time for the Zoom gathering with all the families in Suzanne’s family. It was fab to see everyone, and I thought it was a fun way to handle our little Thanksgiving-during-a-pandemic. I hope we only have to do it once, though. (A friend’s father died from COVID-19 the day before Thanksgiving, which reinforced our decision to stay home and not get together with our loved ones in person. Too many people close to us here have the virus and are so sick right now. #wearthedangmask)

I planned to cook more dishes Thursday evening, but we were too full, so I pledged to cook the rest of our T-giving meal components on Friday, which I did. We began Friday by finishing the stuffing and yam leftovers. We began anew later, with some salty turkey bacon. After a few hours, I broke out a round of pickled beets. And later still, I served up tater tots in lieu of traditional mashed potatoes. We crowned our all-day Friday Thanksgiving dinner with a pumpkin pie stand-in of Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake flavor Red Button ice cream, as well as Red Button’s Cranberry White Chocolate flavor ice cream. No, I did not make green jello or funeral potatoes. Seriously, I don’t know how I ever thought I could cram the cornucopia o’ meal courses into just one official Thanksgiving day.

We still haven’t been hungry enough to open the cranberry sauce yet. We’ll get to that soon, I’m sure, cuz it just ain’t the feast holidays until you hear the suck of the jellied cranberry blob being expelled from the can.

Holiday Tie Tally: 77 Neckties. 15 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 9 Neckties.

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Just Can’t Wait For Tomorrow’s Feast

My holiday Tie o’ the Day displays green forks galore. When I bought it, I immediately designated it to be a Thanksgiving celebration tie. I think I really do eat more on T-giving than any other day of the year. For the last couple of years, we have gotten farctated (look it up) at Bambara’s T-giving brunch in SLC, but we’re forgoing that this year—due to everybody’s lurking pandemic, COVID-19. Instead, I’m cooking a surprise dinner for me and Suzanne. I already alerted her that I’m cooking the meal. The surprise part of dinner will be what I’m cooking. She knows me, so she knows I will likely cook up a non-traditional menu sprinkled with metaphors. Skitter might get steak. And after we are stuffed beyond our gills tomorrow, we will be doing a Zoom get-together with all the families in Suzanne’s family.

I had a swell pre-Thanksgiving talk with Mom on the phone today, and I told her I was especially thankful to her for putting up with me for nearly six decades now. She told me she was the real pain everyone has to put up with, but she also said she is thankful she is not in pain. “I’m not in pain, but I am a pain,” is exactly what she said. I told her I will miss her Thanksgiving spread, but mostly I will miss her dashing in and out of her kitchen to make sure everyone got enough of each dish, while we all tell her to sit down and eat. I will forever miss Dad saying the same thing to Mom almost every year, as he looked out over the entire family, “Helen, did we create this herd?” Yes, Dad, you fell in love with each other, and the begatting began.

Holiday Tie Tally: 74 Neckties. 15 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 8 Neckties.

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What Is This “Ironing” Of Which You Speak?

[Here’s a repeat of a teeny post from 2017. Thanks for your patience, folks, while I get my manic brain settled back into its writing gear. Note to self: Quit being bipolar!]

So I walk into the kitchen this morning—still half-asleep—to fill my mini-keg with ice and Diet Coke. And whoa! I see this surfboard that Bow Tie o’ the Day dragged home from a night on the town. Bow Tie informed me this is not, in fact, a surfboard. It’s a product called an ironing board. I have no earthly idea what you do with one of these. Bow Tie tried to explain its function, but it all sounded like a bunch o’ blah, blah, blah to me. I guess I’ll have to YouTube it.

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WTFudge?! Again.

[This is the 3rd year for this repeat post. I just want y’all to know that this box still hasn’t been moved or opened. Suzanne—hint, hint.]

Bow Tie o’ the Day and Ties o’ the Day were out in the garage with me this afternoon, helping me search for a certain piece of Christmas decor I can’t locate. Suzanne and I recently got some heavy-duty shelving—which Suzanne assembled—to finally organize the garage, which has been a dizzyingly complicated maze ever since we moved the contents of the Delta house to our place here in Centerville. Suzanne did a dandy job of clearing the garage floor of storage bins and boxes. Brownie points to Suzanne!

If Suzanne hadn’t fit everything neatly on the shelves, I would have known exactly where to find the item I’m looking for. I know all the maps of disorganization that surround me. It’s the cleaned up, neatness I can’t wade through. In our house, there has always been an understanding that if you can’t find something, you ask me. I know where everything is—except, apparently, the one Christmas decoration I’m seeking.

Anyhoo… As I was ferreting around through storage bins in the garage, what to my wondering eyes did appear?! Not what I was tracking down, that’s for sure. But I did see the box that lurks behind me in the photo. Suzanne had so eloquently labeled it with her fluorescent green Sharpie. Even my holiday neckwear was amused at what she wrote.

Suzanne is the most even-tempered person I know, so this piece of exclamatory labeling is certainly a cry for help. I can imagine the face she wore as she wrote the words. It is Suzanne’s “I-can’t-believe-we-still-have-this-box-of-crap-and-I-haven’t-sorted-it-out-yet-although-we-must-not-need-it-cuz-we-haven’t-used-any-of-whatever-it-is-in-years-but-I-don’t-dare-throw-it-away-and-I-don’t-trust-Helen-to-cull-it-correctly-so-I-won’t-let-her-decide-the-fate-of-each-item-but-I-don’t-know-when-I’ll-ever-have-time-to-go-through-the-box-so-I’ll-express-my-frustration-by-writing-this-snitty-label-on-the-side-of-the-box-and-I’ll-put-the-task-on-my-chore-list-which-I’ll-promptly-lose-and-then-I’ll-forget-this-box-of-Christmas-shit-even-exists-until-I-try-to-find-something-in-the-garage-and-I-run-across-this-box-once-again” face.

Yup, that Suzanne face.

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Speaking Of This Morning’s Gingerbread Cookie Post…

Check out my new t-shirt. In case you haven’t already guessed, the cookie’s own Bow Tie o’ the Day was the ultimate selling point. (No, I won’t be counting it in my Holiday Tie Tally though.) I’m being matchy with my own gingerbread man Bow Tie o’ the Day.

Although Mom’s excellent goodies were wide-ranging, I don’t recall Mom ever making gingerbread cookies when I was a kid. I don’t recall ever in my life making a gingerbread house of any kind. And I must admit that on the few occasions when I have sampled gingerbread cookies made by other people, I have not found them to be yummy. Smell tasty? Yes. Look cute? Sometimes. Scrumptious? Never. When I was in my late teens, Mom did start to make a triumphant, chewy gingersnap cookie rolled in sugar. Her gingersnaps did not taste anything like what I have known as gingerbread, thank the heavens.

When I was in Graduate School at the University of Utah in the late-80’s, a box full of Mom’s homemade cookies would occasionally show up in my mailbox. Mom always sent far more cookies than I could safely consume on my own, so I often took them to share with my classes. Once, I took a box of Mom’s homemade gingersnaps to a poetry workshop to share with my colleagues and my professor. After the initial ravenous chewing had calmed down in the classroom, one colleague said to me, “Your mother must really love you.” And another swiftly chimed in, “I wish my mother loved me as much as your mom loves you.” It was meant to be funny, I know, and it was. But I had also already begun to recognize that not all parents actively do things to demonstrate their love for their kids as freely as mine always did. I knew my parents thought of me, always—even when I lived 2,000 miles away from their house in Delta, Utah.

I was born into a tribe of huggers and kissers. And in our family, the three magic words of “I love you” were (and still are) spoken regularly among my parents and siblings, as easily as breathing. As I grew up and ventured hither and yon into the bigly world, I very quickly realized what a rare blessing that kind of familial affection and stability truly is. For being born into this solid gift, I give my thanks.

#givethanks #loveyourneighbor #yourfamilywasandisyourfirstneighbor #imisshuggingmymom #ithasbeeneightmonthssinceihavebeenabletokissmymotherandimnothappyaboutit #wearthedangmask

HolidayTie Tally: 73 Neckties. 15 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 7 Neckties.

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To Scrooges Everywhere

Holiday Face Mask o’ the Day brings the season’s first Ho’s to the party. And my gingerbread cookie-themed Ties o’ the Day help me in my reply to those who think I’m getting into the Christmas spirit waaaay too early. All I can say is that I am following my arrow. It’s what I do. If you are troubled by my festive cheer, I humbly say, “Bite Me!”

Holiday Tie Tally: 73 Neckties. 14 Bow Ties.

Holiday Face Mask Tally: 5

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 6 Neckties.

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Penguins Are Always Dressed For Formal Events

After I graduated from Weber State in 1984, I moved to Salt Lake City, and I bought myself a white tuxedo jacket for $5 from Deseret Industries in Sugarhouse. The tux jacket went with me when I moved to Virginia, but I have no idea where it finally ended up. I no longer own a tux jacket, but I do have this near-tux, midnight blue formal jacket. I felt it was only right to wear it in this photo, while wearing the dapper penguin Ties/Bow Tie o’ the Day. How nifty would it be, if—like the penguins—our human “birthday suits” looked like tuxes? It would certainly make my constant bow tie habit make more sense to us all. Those penguins are lucky in the fashion department, I tell ya. They’re dressed to party—at the drop of a top-hat. Ooooh, I should get a top-hat next. Ooooh, and maybe some tap shoes.

Holiday Tie Tally: 70 Neckties. 14 Bow Ties.

Skitter’s Holiday Tie Tally: 3 Neckties.

A close-up of my Bow Tie o’ the Day. Check out the penguins wearing antlers.
Skitter looks fetching in her polar bears Tie o’ the Day.