Witty & Wise Ties, Trivia & Lies
I learned something today, after I got over my grumpy grump grumpiness. Apparently, lettuce can serve a plethora of purposes beyond being food. Lettuce can also be headwear, neckwear, and footwear. How ’bout that! A hat, a Bow Tie o’ the Day, and shoes. I never knew lettuce had a fashionable life. Now I do.
Sing with us: “Nobody knows the troubles Bow Tie o’ the Day has seen. Nobody knows but Bow Tie.”
Folks, I’m in a baaaaad mood this morning. I woke up on the grumpy side of the bed, and the grumpy is stuck to me. My frustration is all about some righteous anger I need to feel deeply; work through completely; then let go of for good. We’ve all been through the process before, and we’ll all have to go through it again. Why? Because not one of us is perfect, and nobody we know is perfect. The result of our imperfections is that we damage each other, whether we try to or not. And thus, today I will be bitchy for a bit—while I get my righteous anger straightened out and tossed away. But for right now, I’m feeling my smoldering grump.
Here’s a small quote from Anne Lamott, which so accurately expresses my current feelings:“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”
Yup. That about covers my mood.
FYI Yes, I’m still in my pajamas. Yes, I need my head hairs cut. And yes, I’d rather be in Toad Suck, Arkansas.
Bow Tie o’ the Day tells me my mini-dress should be part of something called the Harlot Collection. I cannot disagree.
In my intrepid search through VOGUE magazine for the perfect gown to wear on the Red Carpet at the upcoming Oscars, I found these nuggets of what’s “in.” I’m both intrigued and perplexed. And I’m very glad there is no formal gown in this clothing collection, because it would probably be right up my alley. But where exactly do you tie on a Bow Tie o’ the Day to wear with these outfits? Where, oh, where does my little bow tie go?
Bow Tie o’ the Day and I are struggling with the fact that tonight we’ll be watching the last new episode ever of HOMICIDE HUNTER: LT. JOE KENDA, on the ID channel. We’ve been wearing black all day, and we consider ourselves to be in minor mourning. It is just a tv show, but it matters to me. Suzanne likes it too. And both of my sisters are bigly fans. Heck, even Mom got a kick out of Joe’s “my, my, my”-ing whenever she watched it with us over the years. The last time she watched an episode with us, she said of Joe Kenda, “How long has this old fossil been on tv? He’s been solving murders for a hundred years. He plays his part so well.” Yup, cuz he is playing himself. But not anymore.
I have no doubt I’ll shed a few tears after tonight’s finale. C’mon, you know you have “your” shows which you must not miss. The tv shows we’re partial to can be a regularly scheduled respite to us, in the midst of an unpredictable and serious world. I know Lt. Joe Kenda has sometimes been the exact kind of pal I’ve needed at the time: a weekly dose of a smart, compassionate storyteller who asks absolutely nothing from me. Unfortunately, the Joe Years of my life will be over at 8 PM tonight. But I still have my Joe Kenda t-shirt to wear and two HOMICIDE HUNTER notebooks to fill.
Red-white-and-blue Bow Tie o’ the Day gets as nervous as I do when it comes to choosing the perfect Academy Awards gown for my glide down the Red Carpet. I vow that one day I and a bow tie shall top the Oscars Best Dressed list. How do I know for sure it will happen? It’s my goal, and I believe in my fashion sense. If they make it, I will wear it.
Now, after looking at this photo for too long, I must rest my dizzy eyes.
This is how I look when I’m dressed in obscenely expensive duds that are sooooo not-me, and I’m feeling obscenely snacky.
I looked for my wood puzzle-piece Tie o’ the Day in the Tie Room this morning, and it was nowhere to be found— until I checked on the napping Skitter. Behold! I think Skitter is hinting she is a bit tired of us paying so much attention to the joy of puzzling lately. The Skit will have my undivided attention for hours now.
Suzanne says she will gladly pay the postage to ship the doggie doo-doo puzzle to anyone who wants it. She was a good sport to help put it together, and she laughed heartily about doing it. But she’d rather the puzzle live in somebody else’s house now. Be the first to dibs the 1000-piece marvel, and I’ll ship it to you for free— with Suzanne’s blessing.
I am the household Procurer o’ Puzzles, and I want you to know that the puzzle we’re putting together now is called THE CRAFT CUPBOARD. As I posted before, Suzanne deserves a medal for putting up with me. THE CRAFT CUPBOARD puzzle is her actual reward—with all its depictions of scissors and rulers and fabric and colored markers and yarn and paints and a gluttony of other misc. craftical notions.
We here at TIE O’ THE DAY thought some of you might be curious to see the completed “dogs doo-dooing” puzzle. Suzanne was discombobulated by the subject matter, but she puzzled right along with me, nonetheless. And yes, she placed the last pieces together. She’s The Puzzle Closer.
We seem to be binge-puzzling around here these days. Tie o’ the Day keeps getting in the way of my work and pushing pieces off the table, but its design caught my eye today. Note to self: Wear a bow tie, not a necktie, when putting together jigsaw puzzles.
We recovered from the difficult PENCILS puzzle. Yes, Suzanne still thinks she put in the final piece. Let’s keep it that way as long as we can. I set out the pieces for a new puzzle, which is currently providing both of us with some always-welcome levity. The puzzle’s title is simply, POOPING DOGS. See it for yourself. So far, the pooping dogs we’ve assembled are doing what they’re doing quite tastefully.
I did assure Suzanne that I have no intention of buying the other puzzles in the same series, like POOPING CHIHUAHUA or HUMPING CHIHUAHUAS. I have at least a little class. She was very excited to know prime won’t be delivering them to our house.
Folks, the very fact that I ordered this puzzle is evidence enough that Suzanne deserves a medal or a trophy, or both. How she puts up with me, I will never know.