Month: April 2019

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It’s Called TMS, Not PMS

Actually, the specific type of TMS I’m being administered is called rTMS– short for Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. At 7AM every weekday, I’m sitting like this in the treatment chair at the Treatment Resistant Mood Disorders Clinic, located in SLC at the U of U’s University Neuropsychiatric Institute . Even that early, and even for a medical treatment, I wear my trademark Neckwear o’ the Day. It reminds me exactly who I am, and it amuses the doctors, nurses, and technicians. The patients and staff in the waiting room are always more interested in The Purse though.

Some of you have expressed concern for me about doing rTMS. I hadn’t heard of it until two months ago. But rest assured, I did my research. It is a relatively new treatment for depression. It is a treatment which is only used in cases of depression where standard treatments have not worked. It is not generally used to treat bipolar individuals, but my wacko head lives mostly on the depressive side of my bipolarity. And that’s where I’ve been in quicksand for the last year. I needed to try something new.

So I am officially “treatment resistant” and I, therefore, qualify for rTMS. “Treatment resistant,” in terms of rTMS, means meds and/or therapy have not worked well enough to level out my mental situation, or to at least stabilize the moods.

Meds have always “worked” for me, sort of. Each med I’ve been prescribed has helped me stay more level to some degree– for a while, sometimes even for years, but it would eventually lose its effectiveness. When it quit working, my docs would switch me to a different anti-depressant or mood-leveler. Again, the drug would definitely help me, but not for the duration. In addition to taking meds, I have simultaneously been in some kind of talk therapy since I was diagnosed bipolar. Therapy has helped, but clearly not enough. I was 36 when I got my diagnosis, although I have no doubt I have been bipolar my entire life.

In future posts, I’ll write more specifically about my diagnosis; about what TMS is and how safe it is; about what it means to be bipolar; and about the idea of being “mentally ill”.

Posts about these topics and issues are tougher for me to write than I thought they would be. But I figure things out by writing about them, and I need to figure out this complex stuff. Stay tuned, as always.

16 TMS sessions down, 20 to go.

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Tradin’ In The Not-old, Old Cell Phone

Bow Tie o’ the Day accompanied me to the Apple Store to find me a new phone. Bow ties do not get to have cell phones, because they don’t have pockets or purses or even hands in which to carry them. It was only I who was in the market for a phone I didn’t need, but just had to have. And why did I absolutely have to have an iPhone XR, when I had a perfectly functioning, year-old iPhone 7 Plus? Because Suzanne’s work upgraded her phone to an iPhone XR, and I have to keep up with the Suzanne’s– since I don’t know any Jones’s to keep up with. I am such a follower. Not.

Really, though, I don’t know what came over me. I do not have to have the latest version of anything technological. It really doesn’t matter to me how old or new my technology is as long as it does what I need it to do. My desktop computer is at least eight years old. It works almost fine, and I refuse to buy a new desktop computer until it dies. I’ve had my laptop for three years, and it runs like a dream– even though desktop computer/laptop years are not mere years, they are decades. Technology changes that rapidly. But I am not one of those folks who needs to constantly upgrade to the current versions of their gadgets.

When Suzanne brought her new iPhone XR home, I gave it the once-over– playing with its newer features that my “old” phone didn’t have. While checking out her phone, I must have been making a gleeful, noisy fuss about the coolness of some of the stuff her phone can do which my phone couldn’t. And suddenly… Suzanne (who is as thrifty as I am) said, “Meet me at the Apple Store on my lunch break tomorrow, and we’ll get you an iPhone XR just like mine.” And so we met at the Apple Store on Suzanne’s lunch break. And she bought me the phone, cuz she’s a nice human being.

The lesson I learned from the whole experience is this: I should make bigly, joyous noises about every darn thing I could possibly want. Suzanne is bound to buy me at least some of them.

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I Joke, Therefore I Am

I take my mental health seriously, as we all should. But part of what allows me to keep trudging along through my bipolarity issues is poking fun at myself and my “crazy head.” If I can’t laugh about it daily, no matter how precarious or smooth my state of mind, I can’t survive it. In fact, my ability to joke and snark about almost any hard time in life is a great comfort to me. Being playful with words helps me be patient and firm with whatever is at hand. Humor is one of my self-defense tactics. I’ve been told my vaudeville act has helped others keep their heads healthy on occasion. I hope so.

Anyhoo… To be silly for my TMS technician this morning, I put together a hypnotic, googly-eyed Bow Tie o’ the Day (complete with matching Cufflinks o’ the Day) and a googly Shirt o’ the Day. (I did the best I could with the hat. Paisley will have to do.) My attire symbolizes my dizzy, goofy, insane, wacko, loony, mesmerizing “crazy head.” When I use these words– and others like them– in my quest to be comedic about my bipolar travels, my purpose is to take away any power they might have to mock mental illness. I own the words, so they don’t own me. I work to transform them into my zaniness.

Hey, it works for me.

15 TMS treatments down, 21 to go.

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Check Out The 70’s Paneling On The Bedroom Walls

This is my tblog (tie blog), so I can post whatever I want on it– even if it has no neckwear anywhere in it. This photo is what I want to share with y’all today. I’m super-glad I came across it while cleaning the loft yesterday. It deserves its own post.

Dad slept with a 17-year-old-woman, a 77-year old woman, and a woman of every age in between. It was the same woman. He was a one-woman man, and that woman was Mom, of course. Here, she is getting her doze on.

But Dad had secret loves. Although Mom was his queen love, she sometimes had to share him with his two other life-long loves. Beyond his adoration of Mom, Dad loved every bee he ever owned. I told him he was so attached to his bees that I couldn’t believe he didn’t brand each one’s little butt. Trillions of butts. Occasionally, when Dad paid too much attention to his bees, or bought them literally tons of sugar, Mom referred to them as “Ron’s damn bees.”

Dad’s second mistress was hunting, as represented in this photo by part of his gun collection. If there was a hunt for it, Dad hunted it– successfully. He told me it was the hunting he loved, never the killing. Dad hunted coyotes all across Millard County EVERY morning, even in the last few weeks of his life.

I always knew Dad slept with Mom at his right side and a pistol on his left side (in the nightstand). But I did not know, until I saw this snapshot, that he slept on his guns. As you can see, Dad’s love for his weaponry made him a polygunist. (I just had to get that groaner of a joke in here.)

 

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Judging The Same Book By Its Differing Notes

Bow Tie o’ the Day’s rad sunglasses see the future. On the other hand, my jeweled reading glasses help me read about the past. Suzanne uses the same pair of reading glasses to see what she’s sewing or crocheting or otherwise crafting.  We do not wear them at the same time. We have a bunch of pairs hiding around the house like Easter eggs. Whoever needs a pair, grabs the first pair they can locate. It’s not like we intentionally hide them though. I have no idea why it’s always difficult to find a pair when you need one, but you nearly trip on the trail o’ many reading glasses around here when you don’t need any help with your vision. They are everywhere. Until they disappear.

I have posted about this “here-one-minute,-gone-the-next” phenomenon before, but it still mystifies me on an almost daily basis– because it goes beyond glasses. This happens with scissors, and wrapping tape, and cough drops. It happens with matches and with toothpicks. It happens with flashlights, candles, and bandaids. And so on. We know we have a million of each thing but we can’t find a single one when we need it, so we buy more of it. And five minutes after we get home from the store, we almost immediately come across what we had spent hours scouring the house to find. It was sitting right by the television the whole time, where even Ray Charles could have seen it.

We are dopes! We are dopes with so much stuff we can’t keep track of it. Really, we can’t keep track of things we regularly use– like reading glasses and scissors. Not finding what we have plenty of should be a hint to us to pare down a bit. Here are my new arranging-the-house-stuff guidelines: IF AN ITEM DOESN’T HAVE A SPECIFIC PLACE WHERE IT BELONGS IN THE HOUSE, IT GOES. It never comes back either. And it doesn’t just go live in the garage until we can finally decide what to do with it. IF AN ITEM HAS UNNECESSARY DUPLICATIONS, THE EXTRAS GO. And they never come back.

Having made these new rules, I freely admit there will be exceptions. I am, in fact, keeping all the tape, scissors, and reading glasses. And I am keeping the 7– count ’em, 7– copies of T.S. Eliot’s THE WASTE LAND. Why do I need that many copies of any book? Same reason I have kept my copies of the Scriptures I’ve accumulated over the years. When I read anything, I underline; highlight; make notes in the margins; and flip around to find certain references– until the pages are filled up and/or fragile. Time for a new one!

I don’t get rid of the old battered book, because it’s a kind of journal. My underlining and highlighting and margin notes show me what I was thinking about– what was of concern to me– during the time I read that particular copy of the book. The margin notes I wrote in the Triple Combination I packed around in high school are different from what I noted in the copies that followed– right down to my newest Triple Combo that currently sits atop the stack of books in the bathroom. Reading through the different notations I have made in each successive copy of my Scriptures (or of any book) is part of how I can tell I’ve grown up.

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It Was A Verbal Knockout

Bow Tie o’ the Day added a formal, black tie flare to our venture to LAGOON last evening. It was a night of appreciation for Davis Schools employees and their families. Free parking, free eats, cheapo tickets. It was a bit chilly but still a blast, even though we didn’t go on even one ride. The place was packed, and I swear we had to park clear up in Kaysville. We’ll go again later this summer. We didn’t get to LAGOON last year because of my pancreas surgery. I am looking forward to testing my innards on roller coasters this year. My guts better stay put together.

My favorite part of last night was the fisticuffs I nearly got into when I had to defend Suzanne’s honor. Long story. But the gist is this: We were in the very, very, very long food line and some bigly, portly guy ahead of us accused Suzanne of twice bullying his kids. Excuse me!!!! She hadn’t even spoken to his kids. Clearly, this guy was frustrated with the long food line. I could be rude and make a joke right now about how the rotund guy was probably dying of hunger and was afraid he’d lose a calorie off his not-sexy gut if he didn’t get a free hamburger at that very moment. But I won’t do that (although I just did). I’m a nice person, and I take pity on those who are less fortunate in the politeness department.

Anyhoo… This dude got in my face, as they say. And I got in his face. And I admit that I made fists, although I did not lift them. Instead, I used words I know he had to go home and look up in the dictionary. That’s my secret to winning verbal scuffles. If the person I’m jousting with doesn’t understand what I’m saying, they aren’t sure if I’m with them or against them. Thus, they have no idea how to respond. Let me be clear, folks. Don’t ever, ever, ever be disrespectful to Suzanne. You will pay. I will be the one who exacts the payment from you. And you might not even understand how my words did it.

FYI   My DI hat does not refer to Deseret Industries. It’s from our trip to Dauphin Island, AL last year.

And another FYI   That’s Suzanne’s back, in front of me in the bigly eats line. You can clearly see she is not bullying any children.

 

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Right Place, Right Time?

All through our thinking lives– especially during the tough moments– we sleuth around to find meaning in what we do, and in how we’ve decided to live. Pink Panther Tie o’ the Day (it’s just a squirt gun he’s packing) sometimes assists me in my sleuthing to figure out how it all fits together. I’m a puzzle piece, and so are you.

When I parked my car at the TMS clinic this morning, there was one parking place left– just for me. As I swung open my car door, I realized the cow Sloggers shoes I was wearing matched the car right next to mine. It’s not a paint color you commonly see on vehicles. In fact, I believe this is the only time I’ve seen this sea foam color on a car. [Trust me: the color is not light blue, it is sea foam.]

Anyhoo… You could call it a mere coincidence, and that’s probably all it was. It was just a car and a pair of garden shoes, sharing pigment. But what if this minuscule meeting of the colors was something more than coincidence?

That would actually help me out. You see, I’ve been feeling like my TMS treatments haven’t been accomplishing their purpose of jump starting the mood section of my brain, so I can level out my depression. I haven’t felt the change I expected to notice by this point in the series of treatments. I’ve been doubting. But what if the simple meeting of these off-beat colors is the universe trying to tell me I’m doing the right thing? Maybe it’s a sign I’m right where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly the right thing for my stoopid bipolarity. That might be stretching the idea of “signs,” but maybe it’s not. Maybe we should look less for bigly signs and answers, and look more at the small things we come across in our everyday existence. How is believing in the “messages” of small things a sacrilege?

In the final analysis, it doesn’t really matter if the universe is speaking to me, or if I’m speaking to myself– about the TMS treatments or the meaning of my life or whatever. If thinking I’ve experienced a profound encounter– whether I have or haven’t– gets me through a day, that’s a good thing. If it’s just made-up meaning but it makes me a better person, what’s wrong with that? What’s the problem if we all do that?

And do you know what? After today’s treatment ended its pounding– after I’d completely forgotten about the car/shoe thing– I felt the first twinge of peace and hope. I hadn’t even left my treatment chair yet. It was only a tiny blip of peace and hope, but it was there. I’m not making it up just to make this a better story. It happened.

Once I left the clinic building, I saw that the sea foam-colored car was gone. But I remembered it had been there. Its earlier presence meant something, if only to me. I carried my little ray of peace and hope home with me, and I’m thinking I’m one step closer to fitting myself–the puzzle piece I am– into the cosmic puzzle. How is your puzzle piece doing?

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Sealed With A Lipstick Kiss (S.W.A.L.K.)

As opposed to regular ol’ S.W.A.K.

Here’s the same bigly, jumbo-ly Bow Tie o’ the Day as this morning’s post photo offered up. In this snapshot, my hairs and I were getting ready for today’s TMS treatment. In fact, it was my TMS technician, Tenzin, who finally mentioned the lip print I had on my cheek. Doh!

When Suzanne told me goodbye as she headed out to work this morning, she told me to NOT forget to wash the goodbye lipstick off my face before I went out into the world of neuropsychiatric treatments. And what was the first thing I promptly forgot to do right before I, myself, left the house for my appointment? Yup. Off I went, feeling just slightly more loved on my left cheek than on my right cheek– but unable to come up with the reason for the strange imbalance I felt.

Vonnegut Grace Vibe was gas-less, so I gassed her up before hitting the freeway. The woman I chit-chatted with at the 7-11 gas pumps didn’t point out my cheek’s lip print . Jack, the dude who seems to work at the Centerville 7-11 24/7, didn’t clue me in about it either– even as I stood at his register gabbing with him and buying a bottle of Diet Coke. The two office assistants I spoke with in the reception area at my TMS clinic spoke nary a word about it either. Finally, Tenzin commented on it.

Looking back, none of these folks seemed fazed by what was on my face. Clearly, you don’t have to know me well to figure I must have meant to do whatever I did, fashion-wise. To know me even a little is to expect to view an odd style. I decided to wear the lip print for the rest of the day, and the people who assisted me as I got a new phone at the Apple Store didn’t bring it up once.

So far, nothing unpleasant has happened to me or my cheek. In fact, the whole lipstick faux pas is generating ideas about what else I can get away with putting on my face– causing people to notice, but not tell me about. I see it as a new challenge. And I think Suzanne needs to invest in a bunch of much brighter lipstick than she already has. Like she says, “If you’re going to wear lipstick, make sure people see it.” Amen to that.

I’m positive anyone who saw me noticed my smooch print, but I think they were jealous. I was lucky enough to have a kiss on my cheek, while their cheeks were kiss-less. I think the red remnants of the kiss I received actually made some people feel unloved. Sorry. But not.

Hey, humans, kiss your people goodbye each day as they go out to conquer the world. They are going out there for YOU, you know.

BTW   Yes, I do have another pair of paw print Sloggers just like this at home.

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Hairs Thursday #10

Paisley Bow Tie o’ the Day is aghast at the state of my hairs! As am I. Something needs to be done, people. Even a baseball cap from Albuquerque can’t hide the hideousness of my overgrown mop. The very minute May ends, these hairs go! I might just get it all shaved off so I can forget about even having hair, if only for a couple of weeks. Oh, how I wish today were June 1st. But I will buck up. I will muster my courage and keep a proverbial stiff upper lip. I will fulfill this promise of growing my hair for one year, but I will not grow it out for even one minute beyond the 12 months you voted for. I must arrange for my cutter o’ hairs to have her scissors ready at 12:01 AM on the first day o’ June. I guess it’ll be a sleepover. I can already smell the late-night pizza being delivered.

But for now, in 5 minutes I’m headed to SLC for my 13th TMS session. After it’s completed, it’ll be 13 down, 23 to go.

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Easter Is Behind Us, But

A couple of readers asked me to display an up-close look at the Easter Bow Tie o’ the Day I wore. Bow Tie is the bow toast of the Tie Room at this moment, since it has managed to be posted twice in one week.

Anyhoo, Bow Tie has a bow-tied black lab, wearing bunny ears. It’s surrounded by grass, tulips, chicks, and colored Easter eggs. It’s a mighty fine bow tie, from “my” bow tie manufacturer in Vermont– Beau Ties Limited. I don’t actually  own the company, but I do keep them in business.