Month: November 2018

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Sad Trees Give So Much Joy

After we shaved the lamp legs decor this morning, Bow Tie o’ the Day and Tie o’ the Day told me it was time to break out the Chuck Brown Xmas trees. We have Chuck trees in three sizes, for placement in various locations throughout the house.

The middle tree– the smallest– is named The Pub Tree, because every Christmas season, I put it on the window ledge by “our” table at The Pub in Delta. (Note the football ornament on the tiny tree.) My Sister Who Wishes To Remain Nameless and I decorated festively around our tree, but the tree was always the centerpiece of whatever window scene we constructed. I miss The Pub, my SWWTRN, and I miss decorating “our” Pub window for holidays.

The tree with the HO’s in it (I loved writing that) plays the Chuck Brown theme song music. When it plays, I “dance” to the music the same way the characters in the Chuck tv specials dance– which means I move my head forward and back, over and over. Eventually I get a neck ache and the song gets annoying. After a couple of hours, the music box battery finally dies, so I can stop dancing. So then I take two aspirin, put on a neck brace, and make a mental note to never put a battery in the music box again.

Yeah, I know I could just push the OFF button on the tree’s music at any time before all the pain and annoyance begins. But then I wouldn’t have a dramatic (sort of) story to tell about how harrowing it is to head-dance to the Charlie Brown theme song for the duration of a battery’s life.

Doing such a thing is an example of doing something for the sole purpose of saying you did. Hint: Doing something for the sole purpose of saying you did is rarely a good reason to do it. Which is why the truth is that I hit the OFF button on the tree’s music after about thirty seconds, so there’s still a bigly amount of juice in the battery with which to regale visitors. I’m sure they’ll want to boogie along too. And I have plenty o’ aspirin, and a neck brace if anyone needs it.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 28 Bow ties. 74 Neckties.

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Shaving Cream Is Important

Ties o’ the Day are pleased to be posing with many incarnations of an American Christmas icon: The movie, A CHRISTMAS STORY’s “major award.” Ain’t nothin’ better than a leg lamp or two. Aside from two actual leg lamps in the photo, we have our leg lamp stocking, our Old Man-and-his-major-award bobble head, our leg lamp night-light, and our leg lamp tree ornament (hanging from the light switch).

At the beginning of the Christmas season every year, we jump into our one-horse open Buick and take a jaunt to COSTCO– where we buy bigly cases of shaving cream and razors. We need these supplies in order to properly shave our lamps’ legs, so they will be presentable for their seasonal admirers. You will not believe how much hair these legs can grow while they sit in a closet for eleven months a year. I wish my head hairs grew as quickly.

I haven’t had my hairs cut since the first of May, and it’s  got a long way to grow until it’s long enough that I can declare it’s long, and then promptly shave it off. Growing my hairs out is a pain in the ass, which is one reason this is the final time I’ll do it. I grumble about growing out my hairs in my posts routinely, and Suzanne will tell you she’s tired of hearing me bellyache about the project too. But I’ve decided to give the process a larger meaning, which will surely force me to be more pleasant about my temporarily awkward, stoopid mop.

I’m making it a symbolic quest for discipline. And I’m deciding to let it be an exercise in patience. Who can’t use a little more discipline and patience? Or a boatload of discipline and patience, in my case. I’m going to make my mop one of my lesser Higher Powers, temporarily. And I’m not being disrespectful of, or glib about, the term “Higher Power.” Learning more discipline and patience is serious business.

In AA, I discovered you have to find and acknowledge your Higher Power. Most alcoholics cannot successfully not-drink on their own. You’ve gotta have more power than your willpower. A Higher Power can be any person, place, thing, or idea that helps you not drink. It has strength when you don’t. You appeal to it when you feel like you don’t have enough whatever-it-is-in-yourself to not pick up a drink. For most people, their Higher Power is God. But it doesn’t have to be God, and you can certainly have as many Higher Powers as you need. Trust me: I’ve needed more than one. The dog of my life, the late Araby, was my first Higher Power.

But today, I’m adopting as one of my lesser Higher Powers the idea of growing out my head hairs. I must accept my hair every day for what it is. I must appreciate it in whatever state it’s in on any given day. I must learn from its existence. And I must discipline myself to let that same  acceptance and appreciation radiate out to what surrounds me– people, places, things, and ideas in my life. The smallest things can give us strength– if we’ll see them with our own new eyes. We make things matter. We can learn from anything if we decide to.

I know this thinking sounds silly, maybe even crazy. And I did not think about the topic at all until I started writing this post. So I’m still trying to make it make sense. I will be thinking it into a reasonable idea. And if I can’t make it make sense, I’ll have to think of something else. It’s okay to do that, you know. It’s not weakness to refine your thinking to the point where you have to change your mind sometimes.

It can be a powerful thing to do something simply for the purpose of maintaining the discipline to see it through.

[I’m simplifying the meaning and idea of a Higher Power, so don’t quote me about it.]

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 27 Bow ties. 73 Neckties.

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Shot Needles Hurt

Bow Tie o’ the Day gives us our white, red, and green plaid. Ties o’ the Day give us more of the basic Christmas icons. What I also see when I look at this photo is that my flaking nails need new nail polish.

I’ve recently scrounged up some Christmas-y nail polish colors. But let me just say this: Just a plain ol’, regular Christmas green was a difficult color to find in the world of nail polish I visited. I found everything from Fluorescent Green, to Alien Blood Green, to I’m-Gonna-Throw-Up-Face Green. But was there a nail polish color called “Just Plain Ol’ Christmas Green?” Nope. I got what greens I could find. The right reds were easy colors to locate.

Well, my little appointment this afternoon for the ultrasound on my shoulder went ok. On the ultrasound machine screen, my right rotator cuff looked gnarly from all sides. I mean– it was ugly, with a capital O-U-C-H. Shoulder surgery is most likely in my future, but not the really-near future. I’m trying cortisone shots before resorting to that. In fact, I got shot up right after the ultrasound. If my shoulder pain is going to improve because of the cortisone, I should know in a few days.

I’m trying to be hopeful, but when I got similar shots in my lower back a few years ago, they were not effective at all. Those shots did not touch my back pain one iota. The only way I knew I had gotten the shots was because I got the bills. But I tried what my then-doc suggested. And I’ll try what I need to try now. I follow doctors’ orders. Mostly.

In fact, you might find it impossible to believe but I am pretty much a rule-follower. I’m a straight arrow. I go with the flow. However, I also do my research, and I’m observant. I have a brain. I’m not a dope, and I’m not easily duped.

To follow rules and laws does not necessarily make you a lemming. It makes things work. For example, I might not like the new four-way stop they recently created over in the next block, but I want all drivers coming from all directions to follow the law and STOP when they are driving there. I prefer not to get t-boned.

On occasion, in the face of a specific rule and/or law, we do have to stand up and say, “Whoa! Uh-uh! Nope! That ain’t gonna happen!” It’s our obligation as people on the planet. I believe in sending reasoned messages when rules/laws encroach on human dignity and freedom. I believe in non-violent civil disobedience. I believe in safe protests. I believe in posters and signs and bumper stickers and banners. I believe in short-hand slogans on t-shirts. I believe in voting.

I also believe in thick-skin, and in not being offended by every bigly and little thing done by people whose bumper stickers (aka opinions) differ from mine. Facts are a different animal altogether. Facts are not debatable. I’ll call you on your “fake facts.” And I expect you to call me on mine. And I most certainly expect us to act like ladies and gentlemen while we do it.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 27 Bow ties. 71 Neckties.

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If It’s Not One Ailment, It’s Another

Penguin Tie o’ the Day serves a much-needed purpose for me today.  It is a “cute” and understated tie, projecting a non-weird vibe for someone I am meeting for the first time. Sometimes it is of utmost importance to proceed under the radar a bit.

This morning I had my initial appointment with my shoulder specialist. You don’t want your fashion to be too loud when you meet someone important who has no idea about your tie issues– especially when that person might eventually be cutting you open with a scalpel. You want your surgeon to be comfortable getting to know you. And then, after you are chattin’ pals, you can unveil your authentic tie self. You can get out your clash fashion. You can wear your bigly butterfly bow ties to future appointments. You can skip into the doc’s office in one of your eye-popping capes. I can’t wait!

Anyhoo… At my initial appointment this morning, I had a series of X-rays done. Dr. Hugh (not his real name) talked me through the X-rays, none of which made any sense to me. Fast forward to the bottom line:  The rotator cuff in my right shoulder is toast. So far, that’s all we know for sure. I go back for an ultrasound in a couple of hours.

I know you are all hoping I won’t have to have another surgery, because you know I’ll tell you every annoying detail of the operation and the recovery. And I know we’ve all had enough of that kind of blah, blah, blah this year.

I could promise you right now that if I have to go under the sharp knife again, I won’t bore you with details. But I won’t promise any such thing. I know who I am. I know what I can and can’t change about myself. And I can’t change the fact that I write about whatever’s going on with me, no matter how hair-raising, death-defying, humdrum, or unbelievable. It’s how I roll. Sorry, folks.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 26 Bow ties. 68 Neckties.

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It’s A Win-Win Situation For Us

Ties o’ the Day assisted me in hanging the first Christmas decorations of the season. As I have previously mentioned, some people have a fireplace as the focal point of their living rooms. We do not. The focal point of our living room is Suzanne’s Ultimate SewingBox, so we’re pretending it is a fireplace– for the purpose of holiday decorations. As one of these photos shows, it truly does take up one entire wall in the living room. It’s one of the shorter walls in the room, but that wall is exactly where we’d put a fireplace if we chose to have one. A fireplace would have fit nicely here. We even thought of putting built-in bookshelves from floor to ceiling on this wall.

And then I discovered the existence of The Ultimate SewingBox, which changed the course of our living room history. Yup, it was I who found the product. I briefly debated not showing it to Suzanne. I knew that after she saw it she would never again be happy if she couldn’t have one, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for us to adopt the giant. After she saw the video of what The Ultimate SewingBox can do/hold, she fell in madly in love with it, as I knew she would. How could I not get her one?

How was it decided we place it in the living room? That was my idea too. Suzanne has a crafting/sewing room upstairs, and The Ultimate SewingBox was originally intended to live up there. And then I realized I would never see Suzanne again if that monstrous piece of furniture was ensconced in her crafting/sewing room. There is no power that would be able to pull her away from its many crafty, sew-y uses. Also, The Ultimate SewingBox would take up her whole sewing room. She wouldn’t even have room for the ironing board, so I said, “Hey, Suzanne, forget the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. Forget any thought of a fireplace. The Ultimate SewingBox needs to be in the living room, right by my too-big tv.” This ensures we are both in the same room occasionally.

Suzanne expressed the tiniest bit of concern for me, wondering if the sewing machine noise would be a problem for me when I’m trying to watch tv. I asked her if she had ever heard of volume control. Needless to say, our tv volume is always unbelievably high. Sit somewhere in our yard if you want to listen to whatever tv program we’re watching.

I have been accused of being nice to Suzanne for getting her The Ultimate SewingBox, and then suggesting it should be in the living room. I am here to assure you I am not a nice person. I am incredibly selfish. I figure this whole Ultimate SewingBox escapade will keep Suzanne from ever again nagging me about anything– especially my ever-growing tie population. So you see, Suzanne’s Ultimate SewingBox is all about me.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 26 Bow ties. 67 Neckties.

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Lookin’ Better All The Time

Bow Ties o’ the Day are based on the movie, ELF. I figured situating them as a sort of frame around my scar would be an effective way to show all three. These bow ties are perfect examples of bow tie designs that didn’t quite cut it. The fabrics display prints with items far too difficult to see and decipher, especially if your eyes are not literally glued to Bow Ties. Good bow tie idea. Crappy design execution. But these imperfect critters needed a home, and The Tie Room does not discriminate. It welcomes neckwear with open drawers. There was no doubt I would bring these two orphans home from the Bow Tie Pound– to live among, and to be loved by, my entire collection of neckwear.

Believe it or not, family and friends occasionally still ask how my scar is healing. Even Mom asks to take a gander at it when I visit her. I now make sure to lift my shirt to show her only when we’re in her room. If I showed her anywhere else at the care center, she’d be telling me to show everybody else in our midst.

And yes, I actually made that mistake with Mom once. She wanted to see the as-yet-unnamed scar while we were sitting in a common area. I quickly and discreetly lifted my shirt a bit to show her, and she began calling others over to appreciate my healing gash. It’s not like I could be impolite and not show them, and I would do anything Mom asked me to do. So I showed ’em. Thanks, Mom.

I am not famous, but my scar appears to be famous and popular enough to get its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Anyhoo… My scar is lightening up right on schedule. Clearly, I am not shy about showing off my dark pink scalpel line, but I’m trying to decide two things. First, my scar needs a name. In a post a few weeks ago, I asked for suggestions, but none of them struck me as exactly right. I’m asking again. Put on your cleverness, then send me names you think will properly fit a scar. If I end up choosing one of your suggestions, you’ll win a prize– a bow tie.

Second, I plan to get a tattoo which incorporates my scar in its design. For example, I’ve thought of turning it into a zipper tat. Again, I’m asking for your ideas. There is a bow tie prize connected to this too. If I choose your suggestion, you win.

 

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 26 Bow ties. 64 Neckties.

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What’s “Hot” This Year?

Bow Tie o’ the Day is a glittered creme and gold piece. Ties o’ the Day are examples of a design trend in Christmas ties this year. Apparently, reindeer with neck coverings and holiday-lighted antlers are this year’s clever “in” fashion for necktie wear. Each reindeer in this photo sports a bow tie and/or a scarf. And strings of lights. Although these ties cover the same artistic ground, they are different enough from each other that I had to collect them all. One would not do.

For example, only the tie on the far left, gives us a penguin and candy cane antlers, as well as the bow tie and ugly sweater. The next tie presents us with a Christmas tree-shaped clump of antler lights, complete with a lighted star on top– and a pull switch for turning the lights off and on. Our next deer offers a unique, rounded bow tie. And our deer on the far right shows us a very very very very very very long green scarf– which was most likely crocheted by Suzanne. They– the ties, the reindeer– are the same, but they are also different. As we all are. Whoa! Don’t worry.

No, I’m not going to go into one of my sermons about how we need to recognize that we all have more in common than we have differences, so we need to be nicer to each other. I’m not going to go off on my compassion, peace, and charity rant. I’m not going to pontificate about how nobody ain’t better than nobody else. And I’m certainly not gonna go into anything about how Jesus said to love one another, and how that’s the greatest Commandment. Nope, I’m not going there. And I especially am not going to yammer on about how we’re our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers. It would be so cheesy of me to lay out all that sentiment during this time of year. I will not lecture you about “the reason for the season” bearing some bigly relation to this paragraph’s precepts– which I didn’t bore you with, because I didn’t talk about them.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 24 Bow ties. 64 Neckties.

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Suzanne Hacked This Post

Suzanne– who stars in this photo– innocently worked away at a fabric-y project all evening. But when the Ties o’ the Day and I sat down at the laptop this morning to compose this post, we found she had worked on another project as well. We found the following message– written by Suzanne– already typed in on this page. We leave her words exactly as we found them:

“I know the cape tally will never equal the ties, but I hope everyone knows that I make them by hand, carefully spinning the cotton, weaving, dying and printing the fabric, then I have to cut out each pattern piece (there are 393 in total), finally I make each stitch—evenly spaced—painstakingly with a needle and thread. I work far into the night by candlelight, occasionally I use the lantern, then I fashion a specific ribbon for the TIE closure at the neckline. I’m pretty sure the selling price would run well into several tens of thousands of dollars and instead of quitting my day job, I donate each and every cape to the one, the only, tie o’ the day founder, H.E. Wright, who, coincidentally gave me the BEST. SEWING. BOX. EVER.”

We proclaim: All praise to The Ultimate SewingBox Suzanne, Cape-maker to the Wearer o’ Ties!

Note to self: Inactivate Suzanne’s Administrator status for the website, so she can’t hack me with her two-cents’-worth again.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 23 Bow ties. 60 Neckties.

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WTFudge?

Bow Tie o’ the Day and Ties o’ the Day were out in the garage with me this afternoon, helping me search for a certain piece of Christmas decor I can’t locate. Suzanne and I recently got some heavy-duty shelving– which Suzanne assembled– to finally organize the garage, which has been a dizzyingly complicated maze ever since we moved the contents of the Delta house to our place here in Centerville. Suzanne did a dandy job of clearing the garage floor of storage bins and boxes. Brownie points to Suzanne!

If Suzanne hadn’t fit everything neatly on the shelves, I would have known exactly where to find the item I’m looking for. I know all the maps of disorganization that surround me. It’s the cleaned up, neatness I can’t wade through. In our house, there has always been an understanding that if you can’t find something, you ask me. I know where everything is– except, apparently, the one Christmas decoration I’m seeking.

Anyhoo… As I was ferreting around through storage bins in the garage, what to my wondering eyes did appear?! Not what I was tracking down, that’s for sure. But I did see the box that lurks behind me in the photo. Suzanne had so eloquently labeled it with her fluorescent green Sharpie. Even my holiday neckwear was amused at what she wrote.

Suzanne is the most even-tempered person I know, so this piece of exclamatory labeling is certainly a cry for help. I can imagine the face she wore as she wrote the words. It is Suzanne’s “I-can’t-believe-we-still-have-this-box-of-crap-and-I-haven’t-sorted-it-out-yet-although-we-must-not-need-it-cuz-we-haven’t-used-any-of-whatever-it-is-in-years-but-I-don’t-dare-throw-it-away-and-I-don’t-trust-Helen-to-cull-it-correctly-so-I-won’t-let-her-decide-the-fate-of-each-item-but-I-don’t-know-when-I’ll-ever-have-time-to-go-through-the-box-so-I’ll-express-my-frustration-by-writing-this-snitty-label-on-the-side-of-the-box-and-I’ll-put-the-task-on-my-chore-list-which-I’ll-promptly-lose-and-then-I’ll-forget-this-box-of-Christmas-shit-even-exists-until-I-try-to-find-something-in-the-garage-and-I-run-across-this-box-once-again” face.

Yup, that face.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 23 Bow ties. 56 Neckties.

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More Food, More Fabric

Xmas Bow Tie o’ Yesterday and Xmas Tie o’ Yesterday are most likely siblings. They are certainly twinners-in-fabric. Sometimes a bow tie is the right cherry atop the ensemble you’re wearing. Sometimes it’s a necktie that works best. I doubled up my style by wearing both to Sunday brunch.

We hadn’t eaten an actual meal since Tgiving, because we hadn’t gotten hungry yet. But by Sunday brunch time, we were hankerin’ for food again. We didn’t go anywhere that serves a real brunch menu, but we still called it brunch. We ate at Buca di Beppo, in SLC, which ended up being a no do-over experience.

First, the hostess seated us at that one table every restaurant has, which is the table where they banish the patrons they deem unworthy of being a consumer in their establishment. They don’t want anyone to see you and conclude you’re the kind of person who eats there. Being relegated to the “bad” table, implies you are bad for business. That table is usually located by the restrooms and/or kitchen, and windows are nowhere in sight.

I could have requested for us to be seated at a better table, but when I try a restaurant for the first time, I like to experience what the restaurant thinks I merit. If the staff treats me like I’m a welcome regular, I will most likely become one. No worries about that happening for me at Buca di Beppo.

And then, when our meal came, Suzanne’s Brussels sprouts were set down in front of her looking like roundish charcoal briquettes. Back she sent them, so then we shared my saltimbocca, which we both liked. The calamari was not a do-over, but the desserts we brought home were yummy and made for a fantastic supper.

As if our Sabbath wasn’t exciting enough, we embarked on another JOANN’s shopping spree. I stayed in JOANN’s the entire time Suzanne was there, which was not my regular behavior. She wanted me there because she wanted me to peruse the fabric in the 70% off section. She wanted me to choose cape material. I think capes are what she’s giving me for Christmas, which is a-ok with me. The shopping was a success: I found enough designs for 7 capes. But I guess it actually counts as 14 capes, cuz Suzanne makes them reversible for me. [The cart behind me in the second photo holds my fabric booty.]

When we got home, Suzanne dragged out the JOANN’s receipt and proudly announced she had saved $473.83. That got me pondering. How much money do you have to total up at JOANN’s in order to save nearly $500? The answer? $724.75, to be exact. With all the savings, the actual cost of fabric for 7 capes was a “mere” $250 bucks and 92 cents. Thrift wins. We love us our sales.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 22 Bow ties. 53 Neckties.