So I’m resting up in the living room, reclining and snoozing and basically doing absolutely nothing except minding my p’s and q’s. Skitter and cockatoo Tie o’ the Day are doing the same bunch of nothin’ with me. You see, Suzanne and I go on vacation in less than a week, and I am paranoid that if I do anything interesting, I’ll tweak my insides somehow and the doctor will tell me I can’t fly anywhere yet. Anyhoo… We’re being lazy, and TOOT, TOOT, TOOT! It’s a text from Suzanne, who needed to get away from me and my lackadaisical self for a while. Of course, I know where she went to escape me. Yup, back to JOANN’S for more of FLANNELRAMA!
The text she just sent me said, “I’m going crazy with fabric. Don’t be mad.😱” Yes, with that exact emoji.
Here’s what I should text back to her: “Now let me get this straight, Suzanne. Do you know who I am? I own at least 1000 ties and bow ties. And you think I might be upset if you buy yards and scads of flannel? Did someone hit you in the head with one of those bolts of fabric? I wouldn’t be mad at you even if you bought out the whole store.”
But I’m not texting her a text with that many words. If she had to read something even that long, it would cut into her JOANN’s time– and into her Helen-free time. I’m texting simply, “I’m not mad.💝” I know from past experience that her trips to JOANN’s take 2 or 3 hours. I kid you not. And if I text her the longer response from above, it will add another half-hour to her shopping excursion– because it will cause her to lose her place in the plethora of sewing ideas listed in her head. She’ll waste time trying to decide if my text was passive-aggresive or sarcastic, or both. Hint: My texts are always sarcastic. Every breath I take is sarcastic.
