Witty & Wise Ties, Trivia & Lies
On these posts, I tell you the truth about what’s going on with me, and I’m not stopping now. I like to come up with a hee-haw about everything, good and bad. It’s how I get through life. Wood Bow Tie o’ the Day accompanied me to my pancreas doc this morning, to get the results of my CT scan. I was glad Bow Tie’s wood-ness was there to steady me. My Hanky Panky is slacking more than before, and it needs an operation. Recovery time? 2-3 months. I hate when that happens. 🤷♀️ No worries.
Mom got Bow Tie o’ the Day cackling and snorting with laughter. We were watching LIVE PD, and some dude got pulled over for a DUI. As he tried to complete the sobriety tests, Mom said, “They shouldn’t make him do all those tests! He’s drunk!” And then she said, “Well, I hope no cop ever makes me do those tests.” And then, without skipping a beat, she said, “But I might want to be patted down. It’s been a long time.” She’s still got her spark! 🚨 🚔
Bow Tie o’ the Day watches over Mom. The circle of life is undeniable. A newborn sleeps away its days. Likewise, at the end of a long life, I guess we will do the same. That’s what Mom is doing these days. She sleeps, dozes, and briefly rests her eyes throughout her days and nights. Often, she falls asleep during a tv show, and when she wakes up, I have to tell her how the show ended. I sometimes make up a happy ending, when it wasn’t happy at all. 📺
Mom is a vamp, and always has been. The only thing that could make Mom any sexier is, of course, Bow Ties o’ the Day. She looks mighty voluptuous even without them, and it’s obvious how she got Dad’s attention. On our couch right now, Mom’s “fixing” her own no-gray, 87-year-old hair. When she pulls the hairspray out, I grab Skitter and we haul our butts upstairs. Mom is such a layer-upon-layer sprayer that I’m buying her a holster for the can. She don’t need no gun or pepper spray.💇
Bow Tie o’ the Day is ecstatic that Mom’s back in C-ville with us for a command performance. We weren’t satisfied with just spending last week in St. George with Mom, so I fetched her to come on a Northern Utah tour of her many relatives up in these big-city parts. No matter what, Mom can find some way or another that she’s related to anybody she meets– even if it’s a cousin of a stepsister of a father-in-law of a twin of a niece’s “baby daddy.” 🚗 ⛽
The CT scan-folk let me wear this morning’s bow tie during my scan. We survived, unscathed. This Bow Tie o’ the Day, however, fears anything medical. CT’s are easy, cuz the tube is short. You stick out. MRI’s are another matter. You’re slid into that long tube, and you ain’t gettin’ out. I’m not claustrophobic, but I close my eyes and pretend I’m on a sandy beach, to forget I’m in a tube. Also, with MRI’s, my nose always itches during the entire test. Scratching is impossible, and it’s forbidden anyway. 🏖
“Berry smoothie”? Not! But Bow Tie o’ the Day is hangin’ loose to help me drink the nasty contrast. I’m off to get a CT scan on my stooopid pancreas (my Hanky Panky). A loose bow tie helps me relax. Trust me: it works better than Xanax to keep any possible panic attacks away during testing. I’m a pro at taking medical tests in relation to my Hanky Panky. No worries. I simply have to keep the ol’ pancreas minding its own business. Pretend this is a pancreas emoji: ☄
Bow Tie o’ the Day wants a tattoo, and I am adamant that it will not happen. One thing I don’t allow is for paisley to be covered up by anything at all. As for me, I have a few tats. My first tat, which is shown here, is my fave-rave. I got it stabbed into my arm in 1989. I couldn’t decide exactly what design would suit me for my entire life, so I decided the best thing to do was to get precisely what I wanted: a TATTOO. 💪 🔪
Bow Tie o’ the Day has made a pal of my new gadget. They are inseparable. The first thing I learned about these ear things is that they’re not called hearing “aids” anymore. My ear doc made that very clear. I thought he was going to bite my deaf ear off about that. No, they are called hearing “devices.” Sorry, doc, I didn’t mean to offend anyone by my device-ism. But the DEVICE feels comfortable. The test will be how often I have to say “Huh?” to Suzanne.
Bow Tie o’ the Day and Skitter both asked why I’d take a picture which would force y’all post readers to see up my nostrils. I kinda wondered that too, but it was the only way I could catch me and Skitter in the same shot, while remaining in my seatbelt. Skitter doesn’t get travel sick. But she holds her head up the entire journey, as if she has to supervise our driving. She’s intense about it, and immediately falls over to sleep– exhausted– when we arrive at our destination. Can anyone say TIPPED COW?